You were so kind. I thought you were attracted to me. I appreciate the kindness though…
Thank you.
However, at the time you didn’t realize your casual kindness was the equivalent of throwing crumbs to a starving person. But you soon figured out something about me was off.
And, you were right.
Don’t worry. I’m not out to ‘get’ you or go on about something that never was. Mom had just died and I was grieving at the time. I still am but not just for Mom…
For my lost cat, lost family, lost friends, lost career, lost dignity, lost self-respect, and the loss of all I thought I knew.
I was so tired of loss when I saw you outside the church.
I thought I could do it. I survived my misfortunes. I was managing my ‘bipolar beast’. I believed in myself. I thought a normal person could actually be happy with me. I never dared to aspire to that before. Although, I secretly wanted to.
Mom left me a new life. I thought a new life would make me acceptable to normal people and tried to bring my old life up to speed to catch up with you.
So, I took a risk.
I pointed out my faults and flaws supported with appendices. I broke up my old support system- my heaviest baggage- to start over again without him after 20 years. Not because of you, you had absolutely nothing to do with it, but if it had been, it was still worth it, even alone.
Not only did I think I might have a shot at having a normal relationship, with you- I would have achieved ABOVE normal.
I believed I could shield you from my dark side. By breaking apart my old systems, I believed I could show you my strength and my light and never again do the things I used to.
However, in your normal world I would be a bull in a china shop, this you know.
But I also need you to know that I did not want you because I felt there was something lacking in me. I wanted you because I thought I was good enough. I thought I had something to offer a normal person.
I am just not normal. Sorry for being me.
What a beautiful story. I can’t begin to count how many time I have apologized for me being me. The “normals” don’t usually stick around after they find out about me. How many times have I heard “are you gonna freak out on me”. Thank you for writing that. It really hit home.
Thank you for reading. All the best to you.